流着眼泪微笑着

So many things have happened since I last blogged... I'm not going to list them all out, but I will say this: I'm doing so many things now that I never thought I would do.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  I hope not.  I think that just makes me human.  I make mistakes.  I'm pretty sure I'm still making them. 

Everyone rebels when they're a teenager.  It's the opposite for me apparently.  When shit happens, it makes me want to overstep boundaries that I never thought I would cross.  And I certainly did. 

Anyhow, I don't really regret what I'm doing right now.  It's definitely a lot more fun: more drama, mor.  e uncertainty, more grey areas.  I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass later on though.  I can't afford that right now, seeing that I'm applying to graduate schools and being an oveachiever like always.

I read Hu Ting's entry last week about how she always forgets to water the plants I gave her in Singapore.  I started crying.  I miss you all so much.  Some things never change, and I'm happy that it'll never change.  Ten years down the road we'll all meet and still be the same love-deprived school girls that we were.  Isn't that fabulous.

I thought about writing in Chinese but then decided against it.  怕被嘲笑.

Anyhow, another party the past friday night.  I swear if we take all the pictures we've taken during our summer parties, they would pretty much look at they could have happened on the same night.  Except we're wearing different clothes.  For the most part.  Everyone brought their own booze.  Mostly beer, Em was drinking rum and coke, Nat and Alex and I were drinking wine, and Jag shots were brought out again (my boyfriend is a HUGE fan).  After about half a bottle of wine I was running around and feeling pretty good.  Then I had to sit down and start drinking water and eating pretzel because I HATE throwing up.  Need to avoid that if possible, and I definitely wasn't going to black out like I did on senior party night.  Half an hour later, I was sobering up and thinking shit, I can't sober up when everyone's drunk off their asses.  So I whipped my wine out again and started drinking. 

This friday night party was better than the previous one.  We've all agreed that the previous one there was too much grinding going on, awkward.  So we changed the music and this time it was less like an orgy with clothes on and more like chill party.  Except I got picked up and thrown around about 4 or 5 times by drunk guys.  Oh well, that's what I get for being small, lol.

Was reading someone else's blog and they were writing about how they drank this one time and how scandalous it was.  It was like a whole bunch of people sharing a twelve pack.  I was like whoa my friends and I are alcoholics compared to these people.  Oops. 

I've always had sleeping problems.  Not consistently, but just every now and then.  I thought I had become an expert at soothing myself when I can't sleep but lately it keeps popping up.  I've become worse in that I can stay up until 5 in the morning and then fall asleep.  It's almost pointless by then, and I think that's why I fall asleep then, because I've already given up on falling asleep so I finally relax and actually fall asleep.  The feeling of not being able to sleep is one of the worst feelings in the world, or at least I think so.  You're tired, but you just can't do it, so you become so frustrated that your chest is on the verge of bursting.  You want to cry but can't actually do it because you're so tired.  You get up and read or watch tv, but on the back of your mind you're thinking, hmmm when is a good time to turn off the light and give it a try again.  Sleep is a fucking asshole.  Those feelings linger on during the day too, for me at least.  As it gets later in the day, I would worry about if I have to go through that all over again tonight. 

I want to talk to my dad.  He always make me feel like I'm still a normal and balanced person despite all my flaws and insecurities.

I am never going home on a Friday night again.  That's when everyone gets trashed and do ridiculous things like climb on roofs and go to the beach at 4am and I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THAT.  And then Saturday morning everyone's like shit I'm still drunk, and they go to bed early in the evening to recuperate.  Lame.  I think I was almost mad when Shaun told me they did all that.  But then I thought, I was the one who wanted to go home on Friday night, I really have no one to blame.  But it still bothered me.  I can be pretty paranoid sometimes.  It's just that knowing things like a friend of mine can go to the beach in the middle of the night with another guy who has a girlfriend while completely trashed for a good four hours can happen, bothers me.  She assured me it was completely platonic.  I would still flip out if Shaun did something like that with another girl, regardless of who she is.

I went into the city yesterday, the first time in like 6 months.  We didn't do very much, just walked around a lot in Navy Pier and near Millenium Park.  But that was good.  I don't do a lot of walking anymore.

Cissie asked me why I don't write in my blog anymore; she enjoyed reading my blog.  So I'm writing again.  Let's see how long this keeps up lol.

Soooo, summer.  So far it has basically consisted of research in lab during the day and either watching TV or drinking with friends in the evening.  Pretty sweet life.  Except for the food though, summer food on campus sucks.  But I really REALLY need to study for the GRE since I'm taking it in August.  I have the Kaplan book and the fancy Kaplan vocab flashcards, I just need to sit down and actually look at them instead of reading a few sentences of the introduction in the book at commercial breaks.  Alright, maybe I'll start looking at them this weekend.  Like, Sunday afternoon.  For two hours.  Yeaaaaaaaa.  Obviously I'm very motivated.

Sometimes I think I'm a little messed up.  Anxiety hits me like it's nobody's business at random times.  But I think everyone's a little messed up for whatever reason.  From the surface everything looks fine.  You talk to someone, make friends with them, hang out with them a little more, think they're normal and happy and has had a completely smooth-sailing life.  One year later you find out his or her parent died from cancer two years ago or the dad cheated on the mom and had two other kids all without the mom knowing.  And you're like holy shit.  Sucks to be you. 

Anyways, to end this entry on a bright note, I'm seeing Indiana Jones tonight!!  Lol.

I see other people with conclusions for the year, for their lives in the year 2007.  It's hard to say whether I have anything to conclude.

I'm not going to be melodramatic.  Compared to the poor kids in Africa, my life is perfectly fine.  It's more than fine.  It's just that rooted dissatisfaction that everyone has, some people more often than others. 

Anyhow, I'll try to conclude my life in the year 2007.

I think probably the single most important thing that happened this year is that I fell in love.  I can't even say if it's a good thing or a bad thing.  Before, I was very much in charge of myself.  I did my own thing and ensured I was happy because of the things I did.  I looked down on those girls that depended on their boyfriends for their happiness, those spineless, helpless girls.

Now I'm reduced to one of them.  Or maybe reduced is not the right word.  Whatever, my choice of words has never been great anyways.

But I have come to realize that, that I have fallen too deep into this, without even realizing that I was letting myself fall.  Now I'm trying to pick myself up, to make myself whole again, however whole you can be.  I don't regret falling in love.  I love him, and he loves me.  But I want to find myself again, find my spine, my independence, my ability to make myself happy. 

Good luck with that, seriously.

I've also come to realize how much I love independence, the ability to make my own decisions and live my own life.  I love my family, but sometimes I wish they would just let me be.  In about a year and a half, I will be independent.  Or hopefully I will be.  A lot of things could change in a year and a half.

There's my half-ass conclusion.  I'm too lazy to write anymore.  But I think it sums it up nicely.

Goodbye 2007.

Hello 2008.

quote from veronica mars, though i haven't seen it, but danielle loves it and knows most of the quotes from it. 

 

veronica: does it always have to be that hard?

logan: no one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

 

how overwhelmingly simple and true.

我们都还是小孩子.有时候觉得上大学了,那不都是大人了吗,可是想法还是幼稚.

我真的很爱哭很爱无理取闹,而且我心里很明白我很爱哭很爱无理取闹,但是怎么也管教不了自己.以前看不起那种被感情左右的女人,我已经变成了那种女人.看来大人说得还是对,什么东西都要看淡一点.沟通也很重要,我和他还没有到可以READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS 那种高境界.

最近很多人都分手了,我看了觉得很害怕.害怕了就去听歌,越听越害怕.我挺会虐待自己的.读了FENG的日记,我不想很久以后问自己:爱去哪里了.

希望爱一直都在,就算暂时看不见,但只要我们知道它还在,EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

大三~~~大学生活都过了大半了,不知道应该是郁闷还是高兴.

我喝咖啡的瘾越来越大,一天喝两三杯,现在我理解为什么这些美国人会花这么多钱在咖啡上.咖啡喝得越多,嘴越挑,也喝得越浓.

跟男朋友还不错,有了男朋友的生活还真的不同.昨天跟他在车上聊天突然觉得我们像老夫老妻了,晕.THANKSGIVING 他要带我见他们家人,我妈说这不合适吧,我说又不是见了父母就得嫁人紧张什么.我妈该放手了.我以前都挺恋家的,现在好像真的无所谓了,一个人觉得挺好的,有时候跟朋友在一起会更开心.我爸好像能理解,但是我妈老是不理解,我又不想跟她吵,她老人家也不容易.我得怂恿我爸去帮我说说, 只有他能搞定我妈.

看来我真的成人了.

还有两个多月我就21岁了!可以在众人面前大肆喝酒,期待.这学期还没醉几次,就HOMECOMING最夸张,其他都只是微醺.我不喜欢大醉.

上次被西西笑,说我中文完全不行了.我中文真的完全不行了,看我词穷的,自己看得都心寒.

词穷就不说了哦.

回美国的三个星期我基本上就是一浪费资源浪费空间的废人,除了学学车(还撞上别人了现在都还在阴影中)还有逛街花不是自己赚的钱以外,我就在家里蹲着呢. 哎,这个夏天就这么废了,惭愧.男友也在家里浪费青春呢,好像又有几天没打电话了,但是两人都无聊着呢,也没啥好说的,我也懒得给他打电话,反正下周四就要见到了.

想念我国内的同学们~~~~

逛街逛街逛街,现在我的爱好不过如此,如果我能帮世界上所有不爱逛街的人逛,这个世界将会是多么美好啊.

喝咖啡去了,无聊的人没什么话可说.

我又要走了。我老是要走了，不过人生不就是这样吗？

哎，刚才那句话太做作了，我收回。人生挺好的，除了离开，还要吃啊唱K啊之类的好事。呵呵。

回来之后发现现在我们这个年龄的男生好像都太窝囊，反正我遇到的都是，一个比一个让我觉得恶心。当然我没有想一概而论，那会得罪很多人的。男生看到了不要生气哦，哎，这样说吧，我看到的三个男生，其实我都不大认识，在感情这方面窝囊得有滋有味的。所以中国女生要找外国男生，资源流失了中国男生是要负相当的责任的。 

呵呵，要离开中国了还把中国男生骂一顿，真对不住了。

拜拜，美国见。

很久没有更新了,其实不是忙,是懒.有时候人无聊到了一个境界就真的什么动脑筋的事都不想做了,我就还在那境界里.不过今天看了几个人的博客,觉得博客世界没有我的参与还真~~~~不够精彩.

嘿嘿.

佩服那些能远距离的谈恋爱的人,不知道他们是怎么熬过来的.我才一个月就不行了,而且本来就不是长期的,就出现了好几次危机.你说这叫个什么东西.我爸爸也老是给我泼冷水,说他太小了,不懂得照顾人,你就看淡点好.起初我还很反对,痛苦过了我反而同意他的观点.这样谈恋爱但是你对另外那个人不抱什么希望是不是很糟?感觉挺糟的.昨天晚上看了话剧"暗恋桃花源",男女主角之间坚贞的爱情我很佩服,但是我不要那种得不到的爱情,那不是折磨自己吗?再爱怎么了,再爱也得不到,所以最好爱另外一个能得到的人,否则自己会痛苦一辈子.人活着不就为了能开开心心过一辈子吗.

他对我好，但是不够好,而且我已经从很多人那里得知不是我太难满足.现在我能做的,就是看淡一点,就算他每次都说他爱我,我也看淡一点.

two more weeks until finals are over.

 

two more weeks until i can actually not try to HIDE my relationship.

 

two more weeks until i can get plastered, smoke hookah, and go to House of Blues, not necessarily in that order.

 

two more weeks...

 

 

this is a classic. everyone should watch it! it's only a minute and a half and absolute hilarious. i've seen it a dozen times now and still want to see it again. LOL

 

hokay....FIRE ZE MISSILES!!!

It never seems right when someone around me passes away.  She was so vivid and alive only a week ago, and this week there's only the memory of her left.  I didn't know her that well, but she was always around last year because of my roommate. 

 

It didn't sink in last night when I first found out.  Now it's settling in, and I'm completely bewildered.  It's so hard to accept, so hard to change everything to past tense.  At least she's not in pain now.  I mourn for her, but I mourn even more for her family and close friends.  I can't imagine what state I would be in if this had happened to a close friend or family member.

 

I realize now how valuable life is.  And I complain about how busy and hectic my life is.  At least I'm living.  Not everyone's that lucky.

 

Rest in peace my lovely neighbor and friend.  We'll miss you.

过春假,我在家里窝着,挺好的.

 

昨天晚上突然发现朋友的MSN上在听梁静茹的"只能抱着你",异常激动.那是新加坡很爱的歌,几乎都已经忘记了这首的歌的存在.叫朋友发给我之后,我一听居然激动得哭了.不知道哭什么,也许是对过去的生活的怀念吧.

 

我的确是个怀旧的人.

 

昨晚又做了个奇怪的梦,梦见朋友去世了.在梦中我一直哭一直哭,哭到我醒来一时还以为是真的.结果发现是梦,好险,眼泪擦了继续睡.

 

最近周围的人都在分手.大家分了后还是要好好过哦.

 

推荐一个最近了解的歌手,JACK JOHNSON,很悠闲的风格,听着有舒缓压力的作用,对我太重要了.

eventful week.cell&molec pretty much screwed me up.i've been in the lounge studying with the other cell&molec ppl for the past few days.in fact i freaked out the night before the exam and yelled at people.LOL...now that i think about it it was pretty funny.and then my friends took me to jewel and we bought a HUGE cheesecake.we ate it all.after eating it i checked the calories.there were 12 servings in the cheesecake and 340 calories per serving.we might as well be eating lard.LOL.chris ate so much of it that he said he had blurry vision.i had a stomache.danielle and ray were apparently fine.

 

and they bought another one the next day.the EXACT SAME ONE.i commented that if you wanna kill yourself eating cheesecake,you might as well get a variety of them.

 

FUN TIMES.fun times.

 

spring break.FUCK YEAH!!

there we go.a nice little descriptive title.the date.perfect.

 

i was at a biology alumni panel last night. i thought it was going to be another one of those useless motivational talks(even though i was unusually excited about it), but it wasn't. it really made me think. the take home message:always have a plan B. all those alumni last night wanted to go to med school in the beginning of their college career. none of them ended up in med school, except for one who's now in a MD/PhD program. ouch. she still has 4 1/2 years left. double ouch. i was cracking up cos when she talked she sounded like she's gonna burst into tears any minute now.

 

anyways, i'm getting sidetracked. like i said, they all had the wonderful dream of being a doctor. helping and curing and saving people's lives. then they ended up doing research, working in pharmaceutical companies, working in non-profit organizations. you never know how you'll end up. i want to be a doctor. that's what i WANT. what i'll actually be i won't know until the time comes. so i gotta have a plan B. i can't go skating through college thinking of just MED SCHOOL. i gotta think, what if i can't get in? what if i can't afford it? what if i realize i don't like it once i do some shadowing?

 

oh, and the chinese way of thinking that my chinese education tried to shove down my throat, that school and grades is EVERYTHING? doesn't work that way. your employers in the future, they're not gonna care about whether you got an A in organic chemistry in college or not. they're gonna look at your resume and go, great, you have a 4.0 GPA, so? any job experiences? any internships? anything else OTHER than your wonderful GPA? if you don't have any, then you're done for. i have to revise my priorities. now i have more than one. that sucks, that REALLY sucks, but i gotta deal with it. just like i have to deal with everything else in life.

 

AND, another take home message, enjoy your life as an undergrad while you can. all the alumni, despite being all in their early 20s, looked, so, ADULT. they're in a different world, probably much more unpleasant and unsatisfying than the one i'm in now. so quit complaining about having to get up early in the morning for that 8am class and enjoy college.

我该看书的,但是看到以前RJ学姐的BLOG,忍不住想说点什么.

 

我从来都是一个很怀旧的人.现在看来,以前什么都好.虽然我知道这是很IDEALISTIC的想法,但是我还是忍不住向往以前的日子.

 

在新加坡的时候,总和朋友说那是鸟不拉屎的地方,心里总充满的愤慨,好象是新加坡教育部把我们骗去当劳工似的.其实就是一个被惯坏的孩子的幼稚想法.于是每天都以报复的方式生活,在学校装清高,ANTISOCIAL,搞地方小团体,说什么看到班上的同学就郁闷.其实现在很后悔,两年是可以培养出很多友谊的,我就只和中国人拉圈圈(这句好象是重庆话哦,算了,大家将就看,我本来就没什么文采的到美国来更是中文退步).

 

现在却会很怀念.怀念在华中住的时候和张西西,婷姐,莱姐,俊洁给某个男校的男生取绰号,每隔几个星期还要更换一次.怀念疯狂的背中华文学,在中华文学课上上网欺负侯老师.怀念那个时候很容易流泪的自己.怀念那炎热可恶的天气.怀念一到放假就疯狂的看碟看小说.怀念那时候堕落的意义不过就是通宵看碟聊天而已.怀念SARS时期在德明关闷了,我们做的各种各样的蠢事(例如我干吃咖啡).怀念和张西西感叹怀才不遇.怀念以前的室友,和永远乱得不像样的房间.怀念穿校服的日子.怀念德明的早餐.怀念MARINE PARADE, ORCHARD, J8(总觉得MISS掉一个).怀念不需要自己洗衣服的日子.怀念发短信多余打电话.怀念还可以装可爱的年龄.怀念披星戴月去上学的每一个早晨.怀念可以不愧疚的翘课.

 

我有太多的怀念.人还是向前看比较好.

plans for my chinese new year:

1.study of organic chemistry exam on monday.

 

忙的时候不能郁闷,郁闷了容易发呆.

 

我没有时间郁闷.

谢谢大家的关心.离上次的MINI崩溃有一个多星期了,似乎适应了很多.星期六白天做了一天的功课,晚上郁闷到了,便跑到隔壁喝酒去,然后聊天聊到三点多.我恍然大悟:人不过就一辈子,青春也只有一次,活就要活得潇洒自在一点,当然是在为自己的目标努力的同时.

春节要到了,祝大家节日快乐!(想到自己已经有好几年没在国内过春节,而且以后也许会有很多年都不能在国内过春节,还是挺伤感的)

继续向自己的目标迈进~~~

so i want to go to med school. or is it that my dad wants me to go to med school? i seriously do everything that my dad wants me to. it's creeping me out that i'm doing everything he wants me to. i might be rebellious at the time he tells me to do something, and then afterwards i'll be like, oh maybe i should do this. this is what i want, right? dammit. does he have too much control over me or is it just my imagination?

about med school. i'm killing myself over it right now. i don't have time for anything but studying studying studying. i don't have time for my friends, for my family, for anything.

about the crying. it's really stupid. i don't even know why i'm crying but i am. a friend forgot to tell me that they were going out on a friday and i called her on her way there. that's the whole story. it's not even entirely her fault. i probably would have said no cos i have so much to do. but i just felt so bad. i don't have fun anymore. i don't think i do at least. i don't make time for fun. i make time for studying and sleeping. that's it. so now i'm crying and i can't stop and i'm thinking about god i could have used this time to do physics homework and that just makes me cry harder. this is dumb. i need to stop so i can do my physics homework.